


lay me gently in the cold dark earth

by autumnsolstice9



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, mentioned canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 15:07:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20473046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnsolstice9/pseuds/autumnsolstice9
Summary: She wants to wear her finest kimono and jump in the river and let herself float away.





	lay me gently in the cold dark earth

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: there is suicidal thoughts and ideation in this!

Months after the war, Hinata disappears.

She does not leave the Hyuuga compound, does not see Kiba or Shino, misses the birth of Kurenai-sensei’s daughter, and does not seek out Naruto. Her forehead no longer burns and her bangs hide her shame, but she cannot stand the thought of facing her peers.

She wonders if any of them have noticed her absence, and immediately chides herself for doing so. It seems selfish to hope that they miss her when Ino and Shikamaru lost family, when there are so many more important things to miss, like the way she misses Neji. There is so much different in the world, surely Hinata Hyuuga is not something to worry over.

She wants the Hokage to assign her a mission, she wants her father to give her a task, she wants her friends to ask for her help. She wants to be needed, but instead she rots inside her compound, branded and cast aside. It took her a month to be able to look at herself in the mirror, pushing her bangs to the side so she could memorize how the caged bird seal looks on her face. It took her another month to find the perfect tea to lull her back to sleep when she had nightmares of Neji’s death, and it took another month for her clan to officially, formally announce Hanabi as heiress.

Hinata goes through the motions of living: she makes breakfast for Hanabi and her father in the morning and ignores how the food always tastes bland to her, she trains in a courtyard until she reaches exhaustion, and she goes where she is beckoned.

She lost her brother, she gave up on love, she nearly lost her life, and her clan has stripped her of her last shreds of pride. It should hurt more than it does, but Hinata has not stopped feeling numb since she carried Neji’s body off the battlefield.

She is making breakfast when Hanabi approaches her. “I heard that your friends are going to a bar tonight. Naruto is going to be there,” she says, her mouth curling into a mischievous smile. Hinata stares down at the food she has cooking in a pan, her mind flashing through a thousand ways she should respond, but ever since the war she has felt detached. She doesn’t know what the old Hinata would say, but she knows that this Hinata does not want anything but to rest.

The food begins to burn, and Hinata tends to it in favor of answering, her sister’s gaze burning on her back. “Nee-san,” Hanabi starts, a pleading tone that is immediately cut off when their father enters the room.

He does not speak, taking his place at the table and accepting the food Hinata sets before him with a nod of his head. Hanabi warily eyes her sister, but she remains silent except to thank Hinata when she gives her breakfast.

Hinata does not speak. Sometimes, she thinks she hasn’t spoken since the war, but she knows that is not true. She screamed the night they sealed her, the pain searing into her forehead almost unbearable, has said her “yes” and “no”, has told the occasional branch member that she is fine, and had told her father thank you when he said he was proud she has not cried since returning from war.

“Hinata,” her father says from his place at the table, “I would like to speak with you after our breakfast.”

A spark of panic makes its way into her throat before disappearing. What can he do that he has not already done? She has been beaten and humiliated, she has received the seal. Everything that could happen has. When her father gets up from the table, she rises with him, her food untouched. They reach his office and Hinata demurely takes her seat across from him, head bent and staring at her hands. There is a moment of awkward silence before her father clears his throat. 

“You must take better care of yourself,” he says, shocking Hinata enough that she glances up to see his face. His face is as cold as ever, and though his words sound kind, she is still cautious, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “You have been working to the point of exhaustion. It is distracting Hanabi from her duties. Go outside, see your friends, leave the compound for a couple of hours.”

Hinata thinks that this may be true concern from her father, that after all these years he has finally come to care for her, and finds that she does not care. What does it matter? She spent years alone, suffering because of him. She wants to refuse, for once in her life tell her father no, but she is acutely aware of the seal on her forehead and knows that she cannot refuse him.

She bows her head, her face blank as it has been since the war. “As you wish, Otou-sama,” she murmurs. “If that will be all?”

Her father glances at her, his eyes flickering from her too-thin wrist to the bags under her eyes before resting on her bangs and bandages that hide the seal. “You may now be branch, but you still have choices, Hinata. That was not an order I gave you, you are allowed to refuse me.”

She wants to laugh, but knows it would come out manic and tinged with grief. She has never had choices, not even when she was in the main house. She has had to follow orders since she was born, whether it be her father’s or the Hokage’s. Every choice in her life has been in the pursuit of following orders, and the only choices she made were to save Naruto, and look what happened both those times. She nearly died, and then her cousin did. 

She has never had choices, but her father is waiting for her answer, and she does not even have the option to keep him waiting. “Of course, Otou-sama,” she says, meeting his eyes, her own blank of emotion like a true Hyuuga. Something in her father seems to age, and if he were a different man she thinks he may have tried to comfort her. She almost wishes he would, even if just so she could shrug him off, or so she could feel rage instead of this emptiness deep inside her.

Instead, he continues to look at her. “What is it you want from this life, Hinata?”

She wants to sleep for a thousand years. She wants to go back in time and take Neji’s place. She wants to stop herself from having ever loved Naruto if it means her cousin would be safe. She wants to forget the way it feels to have chakra rods shoved through her skin, how Neji looks in death. She wants to wake up and find that her sealing was a dream, that the war was a figment of her imagination, that she is a genin again with her team.

She wants to wear her finest kimono and jump in the river and let herself float away. 

She looks her father directly in the eyes, giving him a placating smile. “I want to make the Hyuuga proud, as I have wanted since I was a child,” she tells him, watching his brow furrow at her saccharine words. “If you’ll excuse me, I have duties to attend to.”

She goes to her room, readjusts the wrappings on her forehead, and heads to the river that flows near the compound. The water gurgles and swirls, rushing quickly by. Her warped reflection resembles Neji- long hair, bandaged forehead, the same resigned expression- but a moment later the water swirls and she is left staring back at just herself.

Hinata is tired.

She closes her eyes and prepares to step into the river, to let the current take her under. Behind her eyes there are visions of Pein, of fallen shinobi, of Neji’s blood spewing out of him. Sometimes she wonders where she went wrong in life, but determines that she has been one spectacular series of mistakes, and it is enough to move her forward into the frigid water, letting the current carry her downstream.

The water is freezing and drags her under, and for a moment she wants to escape. Some desperate part of her is determined to live, but the moment comes and goes and the chill of the river makes her want to sleep more than anything.

As the river roars past her ears, she wonders if this is how her mother felt. She remembers the search parties for the Hyuuga matron, remembers staring at the river where her mother often took her and, byakugan activated, finding her mother’s body at the bottom, kimono filled with rocks, remembers her screams alerting the search parties to the body. It had been days after Hanabi was born. When her father had questioned her about it, about her last moments with her mother, she kept quiet. She did not want to tell him that she had come into her room and brushed her bangs from her forehead before placing a kiss on her unblemished skin, telling her to fight. There are many secrets Hinata has kept, and the moments before her mother’s death is one of them, one she will never reveal.

Hinata breaks the surface of the river, coming up gasping for air, and uses her chakra to keep herself steady. She swims to the bank of the river and crawls to a willow tree, where she collapses, breathing heavily. She will not let Hanabi find her body in a river, will not let her sister become the failure that she is. Dripping wet, she picks herself up, and heads to Kurenai’s.

She passes people on the street, uncaring of their gazes upon her, pushing through crowds at the market to get to her sensei. Someone grabs her arm, and she wildly turns to meet them, finding Sakura’s concerned stare. 

“Hinata? Are you okay? Where have you been?”

She doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to explain the thoughts racing through her head, and wildly meets Sakura’s eyes. There is a silent moment between them, Sakura furrowing her brows, Hinata bringing a hand up to grip her wrist, and behind green eyes there is something that looks like unsettled.

Hinata moves out from under Sakura’s hand and continues her way through the crowd, her body numb and her mind frazzled. She continues walking- though, it may be stumbling, based on the looks she is getting- and finally finds herself at Kurenai’s doorstep. She knocks on the door, her too-thin wrist rattling in her skin, and when the door opens she meets Shikamaru’s lazy eyes.

“Kurenai,” she rasps out, “I need Kurenai.”

He stares at her critically, taking in the way she is soaked, the bandages around her forehead, and the hollowness that seems to be wrapped around her. She fears he will tell her no, but what right does he have? This is her sensei’s house, the home of her pseudo-mother, someone she has known for years and he has known for a few short months.

Just as he begins to open his mouth, Kurenai appears behind him, glancing over his shoulder to Hinata. Her mouth drops open, a petite hand coming to cover her gasp, her eyes never leaving Hinata’s. “Shikamaru,” her sensei says, pushing forward to grab Hinata’s bony shoulders, “You need to leave now.”

Shikamaru’s eyes flicker between the two women before he shrugs, stuffing a hand in his pocket and moving out the doorway. “Let me know if you need anything,” he says with a wave of his hand, already down the path leading out of her sensei’s house. Kurenai doesn’t look as though she registers his words, her eyes never leaving Hinata’s face.

“My child,” she cries out, “Oh, my sweet Hinata, what have they done to you?” She drags Hinata into her house, closing the door behind her. “I was so worried when Kiba and Shino said they hadn’t seen you since the war ended, but I didn’t expect this.”

She gently pushes Hinata into a chair, quickly moving to get her some towels. Once she is wrapped tight, Hinata realizes how badly she is shivering. “Sensei,” she says, her voice scratchy from being unused, “I threw myself into the river.” Kurenai stills from where she was moving to make tea, then slowly turns to face Hinata, tears in her eyes. “I couldn’t do that to Hanabi, not when I raised her, but I wanted to.”

Hinata’s gaze is fixed on the table in front of her before she looks up, meeting Kurenai’s red eyes that have always been like home. “Why am I never good enough? I couldn’t save Naruto, I couldn’t stop my sealing, I couldn’t save Neji.” A sob rips through her, and suddenly she is crying for the first time since the war ended. “I can’t stop seeing it. I wanted to die on the battlefield after he did. He was my only family in the compound. Hanabi is like my child, but Neji was my brother, the only one I could talk to, and now he’s gone and I’m the caged bird that is taking his place.”

Her sensei reaches forward, pulling her into a hug. “Leave the compound,” she whispers into her ear, “Leave the Hyuuga, come stay with me. I’m still your legal guardian, please, Hinata, don’t go through this alone.” Hinata can barely see past the tears in her eyes, but she sees a future ahead of her without her father, and part of her feels free. “Please, don’t disappear again. We missed you so much it hurt.”

“Sensei, it never stops hurting,” she croaks, “My chest, the seal, everything. Why does it still hurt? It has been months. I’ve spent years aching over Naruto, but that was nothing compared to this. Does it go away? Will I ever stop hurting?”

Kurenai sighs, her fingers idly twisting the wedding band on her finger. “No,” she says, firm, “No, it does not go away. We will always hurt, but we will get better at managing it. It’s either that, or we drown in the weight of our sorrows.”

Soaked to the bone, Hinata feels as if she is drowning. She has been constantly struggling to swim, her head always dipping below the water line as life threw her so many trials. Now, she is weighed down, her sealed to a rock labeled “Hyuuga”, and she fears she will never taste oxygen again. She feels wild and is sure she looks deranged, her hands shaking. She needs air, she needs peace, she needs silence and refuge. She needs Kurenai.

A cry breaks through the air. Hinata feels shame ripple through her- she is interrupting her sensei from actual needs. A child. A new member of the family that Hinata has never quite been a real part of. Someone young, and helpless, and in need of Kurenai. Hinata is grown, and feels selfish for wanting her sensei’s attention. So, when Kurenai politely excuses herself to tend to her child, Hinata leaves, back to wandering the streets of Konoha.

She finds herself at Neji’s grave, the breeze drying her hair into a knotted mess and the scent of sunflowers carrying over. In the distance, there is a figure approaching. Naruto. She dreads him seeing her like this- branded, crazed, and a mess. She is misrepresenting the Hyuuga, her team, and herself to the future Hokage. Byakugan activated, she can pinpoint the moment he senses her presence, and sees the way he minutely falters in his steps, his shoulders stiffening slightly. He picks up the pace, and Hinata’s stomach is in knots so she picks herself up and quickly rushes away.

He will think she is avoiding him, and he will be right, but she used to see the sun in him and now she can only see Neji’s last shuddering breath, so for once in her life she does not care what Naruto thinks of her. She can see him in her wide range of vision still chasing behind her, getting closer to where she moves through the streets, but she wants a break from her family or reminders of war. She wants to be left alone, but in a ninja village that is nearly impossible.

Nearly. 

Hinata quickly masks her chakra and turns into the empty Uchiha compound, the vast emptiness of the wasteland calling to her. If Naruto can sense her, he will still stop following. The Hinata he knows would never enter the Uchiha compound. The Hinata she knew would never do such a thing. But, she muses, she is no longer that girl and never will be again. She pauses in her steps, sends a short prayer to the fallen Uchiha and spirits that may still linger, and continues on her way down the main road of the compound.

She stops at a pergola, taking a seat and deep breath. A wind chime lightly sounds as a breeze passes by, and she finds herself noticing the strangeness of death. Flowers still bloom in the Uchiha compound, surrounded by weeds, even after their caretakers have passed on. There are still cherry trees getting ready to bloom, and she is transfixed by the odd peacefulness that surrounds the compound. Here, she is alone with life and the shadow of death. Here, she is left only with her memory and those that haunt.

It only makes sense that Sasuke appears. 

“Hyuuga,” he begins, his eyes roving over her disheveled appearance, “What are you doing here?”

He does not appear threatening, only annoyed. She can understand why, but this is the first moment she has had for herself in her life, away from the Hyuuga and the rest of the village. A moment to simply be Hinata, to discover who that is now that she is sealed. She doesn’t know how to voice this, if she can put it into words, and it must read on her face because Sasuke deeply sighs and rubs a hand over his face.

She looks down in shame. “I’m sorr-” she says before she is cut off.

“Our clans are the same, you know. The Hyuuga are everything the Uchiha could have been. Seeing you know, I’m reminded of Itachi.”

Hinata doesn’t know what part of her could remind him of Itachi. She, who is pathetic, still soaked, and unable to form sentences. “You’re good, Hinata,” Sasuke continues, uncharacteristically soft. “It disgusts me, but you’re good. You care deeply, and that’s why it’s so painful for you. Itachi was the same way.”

She mulls it over for a moment, deciding that yes, that is accurate. “What about you?” she asks him, very aware of the burden the last Uchiha shoulders. His gaze flickers from her bandaged forehead to her wet hair and lands on her eyes, and in the blackness there she sees her own desperate gaze.

He doesn’t answer, but he does lean against the firm wall of the pergola. “Everything hurts,” she whispers, uncaring. Who would Sasuke tell? What agenda does he have left to push forward? “Everything hurts, and it is my doing. Whether it is because of my actions or inaction, it is due to me and my weakness, and now I wear this seal because of it.”

Sasuke glances at her, one of the most powerful shinobi in the world, and lifts his hair at the nape of his neck to reveal an inky, black seal placed there by the village. “It’s not weakness. People do not get sealed for weakness.”

“They surely did not seal me for my strength, Uchiha-san.”

“If you believe that, then you are the most blind Hyuuga of them all.”

She doesn’t know what to make of his words, so she sits in silence. They both do not move until the sun sets along the horizon, the ghost compound filled with haunted history. Hinata turns to look at Sasuke, and once again, in his eyes she sees her own panic and pain before it is tempered to steel. “Thank you, Uchiha-san,” she says, voice timid and filling the space between them.

He nods once, and then watches her leave, and she wonders how Sasuke manages to continue on with his pain. She suddenly understands his need for silence, one that annoys Naruto to no end, and suddenly feels companionship in him.

She comes back the next day to sit in silence once more. Sasuke joins her, and though it still hurts, she thinks she will learn to handle the pain.

**Author's Note:**

> this was sitting around in my drafts so i did a rush ending just so i could be done with it lol
> 
> i still hope yall enjoy it
> 
> title comes from hoziers work song


End file.
